faz-in-a-box's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Restless It’s been too long since my last post and the truth is that I’ve just been lazy. I had had great plans to blog more regularly, especially about the events of the last few weeks but then life got in the way, more stuff happened and before I knew it, the blogging backlog mounted and I got lazy to clear it. But reading a friend’s blog moments ago reminded me why I returned to blogging in the first place. Anyhoo, the womad post which was the reason for my insurmountable backlog, will be up soon enough, as will a post about my rocking weekend just gone. Tonight I will be blogging about sex. No, not that I’ve had a lot in my life time but I think of the two lovers that I’ve had in my lifetime, I can say this: its not as fun when the feelings aren’t there. I used to think I was the kind of girl who could still enjoy it without all the emotional strings that came with intimacy but I’ve come to realise that perhaps that was mostly because I’d not experienced the emotional side to it all and how much powerful and pleasurable it can be when you’re with someone you are actually in love with and not just physically attracted to. Tonight as I fucked Old School Friend, I couldn’t help as my thoughts wandered back to RS. There’s no doubt that Old School Friend is actually really hot and that I thought his new haircut looked incredibly sexy tonight but as we worked the sheets, all I thought about all the lazy afternoons spent curled up on RS's bed, cuddling. I thought about how he’d just grab me when I least expected it, turn me around and softly kiss my lips. I thought about the times when he’d tease me until I just couldn’t stand it anymore, until I was simply craving to have him inside me. I remembered the stolen kisses we shared when his parents weren’t looking, the way he’d reach out and intwine his fingers with mine in the cinema, the secret looks he used to give me when we were at restaurants. I remembered the words breathed into my ears, his warm breath against my skin, the time he told me he liked me too. I’ve missed him so much lately. When we first stopped talking, I was still upset with him and I thought the break was going to be good for the both of us. I figured things would be fine and thus, I would be fine and indeed, for the first few days, it didn’t bother me in the slightest. But then as the days slipped into weeks, I felt us growing further apart until this weekend, I couldn’t take it much longer. I made contact and got a lacklustre response, which only made me sadder. I was miserable, I felt like I’d lost my best friend and everywhere I went, there was something or other that reminded me of him. I was itching to do something to clear him from my mind, I got back into my exercise regimes and I threw myself back into work and partied hard over the weekend. I thought my restless feeling would have gone away with a sack session with Old School Friend but it didn’t. Sure, we had fun and we laughed and joked afterwards over our McDonalds but something inside me was still restless. I’m not over the Dude. And as much as I had been hoping that my fuck buddy would have helped me take my mind of things tonight, it didn’t really achieve what I had been hoping for. I know these things take time but I’m getting worried that I don’t have much time left. 5:28 p.m. - September 4, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Movida, St James Powerhouse you know you’re getting old when you just want to leave the club by 1.30am and no matter how often you stare at your watch, the seconds ain’t ticking by any faster. tonight a couple of the girls and i went to check out a samba band playing at a club we’d never been to before. the place has been open for nearly a year now but its just so out of the way, i never really had much impetus to check it out, particularly as it hadn’t exactly received glowing reviews. still, the samba band was worth the effort it took to get there and i have to say, they didn’t disappoint, nor did the act that came on after them. and had it been any other night, i’d still be there boogeying the night away rather than tucked safely in my room munching on cereal. but no, it was the crowd that sucked me dry. there was no energy, no vibe. the place was crammed with seniors or teenyboppers and there wasn’t a hot, eligible, twenty-something man in sight. after awhile, i felt my own energy seeping out of my body and i felt like such a kill joy. i dunno what it was, i just wasn’t getting into it. suffice to say, i doubt i’ll be going back there again. as awesome as the music was and although the company i was in was lovely, the club’s atmosphere was quite a let down. on top of that, they were giving out 5 free drinks to all ladies and if that couldn’t get me in the mood, it can only mean that the club just wasn’t happening for me. maybe i’m just too old (or too young!) for the place. 4:38 a.m. - August 23, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Girls Night Out Girls night out tonight :D we’re going to listen to a samba band at this club i’ve not been to before. should be good, i think :D in other news, i still haven’t heard from the dude… not that I'm really expecting to... Ok, so maybe i am. Just a little. Secretly. 4:36 p.m. - August 22, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pathetic Behaviour You know you’re pathetic when you’re sitting at your computer, trying to draft that letter on behalf of your client when a little MSN window pops up in the bottom right-hand corner proclaiming that someone is online. And its not just any someone. No, its that guy you’ve kinda been seeing for the last few months. And just the other day, you had a fight. And sure, you guys have loads of fights, some little ones, some really big ones and some that are just downright stupid. This is one that somehow fits into all three categories. So there you are, now watching the MSN window, wondering if he’s sitting at his computer, much like you are now, having noticed that you’re online too and wondering whether he should say something. You double click his name so a IM window opens. You stare at it awhile and your fingers hover over the keyboard, unsure of which keys to depress. Whats there to say? He told you to fuck off and leave him alone. You have an inordinate amount of pride and you know that this time you really weren’t wrong. Before thats never stopped you, you apologise anyways, just so that you two stop fighting. But this time, something inside you has shifted and you realise you’re just tired of it all. Tired of giving in all the time and being the submissive one. Tired of feeling guilty for something you shouldn’t feel bad about at all. But you also wonder whether you should be the bigger person here and take the initiative to sort things out. He has a temper after all. You know better than most how to handle it. But then you remember the things he said. How he told you that you were a disgrace and he never wanted to hear from you. Its not the first time he’s uttered those words. In fact, he says them so often you’ve learned to disregard them. Except this time, you’re tired of always taking the blame. So you sit there, pathetically, staring at his name under the ‘Online’ category of MSN, waiting, watching. Hoping. Hoping that he’ll make the first move this time. You continue to watch. He’s online for a good twenty minutes. He would have known you’re online by now. And then, just like that, the green avatar next to his name dims back to gray and he’s gone offline again. You’ve been ignored and you’re left feeling even more pathetic for having wasted your last twenty staring at a name on a screen. 5:29 p.m. - August 19, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||