faz-in-a-box's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a week later its been a week on and i'm still feeling like crap. there was a little respite on thursday when we spoke civilly for the first time since it all happened and he sounded so tired, as did i. he told me he missed me and for a moment, i was so scared all over again. i don't want to waiver now, not when i've been so strong this week. i miss him sooo much that it hurts but i honestly don't know if this is something i want to carry on with, espcially now in my life. work has been a blessing in keeping my mind off things but it hasn't kept me from thinking about him completely. it'll take time, of that i'm sure. in other news, things have been awful at home. yesterday i brought J and E over to chill and i swear they must have known. i get so scared for aalya and a part of me feels if i was at home more, maybe things would be better, i could keep an eye out and play peace-keeper. but i was told to stay out of it and it is so much easier to pretend its not there than to get involved. 5:07 p.m. - July 07, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Return i've been away from my blog for a long time. much has happened and yet, not much at all. in a sentence, i finished the dipsing, managed to pass somehow, went to sydney for a week and then started work at D&N. i have to say i've missed blogging, which is why i'm back. i missed documenting the little dramas and in my life and during my time of absense, i was reminded of my primary motive for starting to blog in the first place: it was theraputic. it was a way to take all the crap out of my head, flesh it into words and try to make some sense of it all. it kept me from going crazy with all those nutty thoughts in my head and stopped those from taking over and invading my relatively sane reality. it allowed me a space to be perfectly honest about my feelings and admittedly, while that did get me into trouble more often than not, i somehow felt strangely calmer after letting those secret thoughts loose. it was never really so much about being a popular writer with a blog that millions frequented on a daily basis. i was content with my few readers. as i said though, my words and thoughts did get me into hot water. at times i had to censor what i really wanted to say for fear of offending someone or other. i realise my tongue is can be incredibly sharp at times, and i've hurt people i've loved without actually intending to. i stopped blogging around the time things got complicated with RS. for some reason, i let him into this inner sanctum where my thoughts roamed free and he saw a whole lot that perhaps i hadn't quite prepared him for. suddenly, i felt a little too exposed and vulnerable and i suppose in a bid to regain some form of control, i went on hiatus. nevertheless, i'm back now. hopefully a little wiser about the way i'll blog in the future. but the blogging will have to continue. becuase in the past couple of months when i stopped, the crazies in my head took over. wihtout my usual outlet, my brain started to overrun and over-think. thoughts turned on themselves and attacked each other from wihtin, leaving me mostly confused and lashing out on the wrong people. RS and i have probably ended for good. as much as i wanted to rehash it here, now that i'm sitting at my desk with my fingers over the keyboard, i just feel like i no longer have the energy to do so. safe to say my heart is broken and i feel like i've been in hell for the past few days. work has helped numb me slightly; in the interest of being professional, i've had to force myself to put the thoughts away until i can deal with them privately, but there have been two or three moments where i've stolen away to the Ladies, locked myself into a stall, unable to control the tears streaming my cheeks. i tell myself that i really can't be crying right now, my mascara will run and co-workers will definitely notice but i can't help myself. once they start, the floodgates to the memories are thrown wide open and everything rushes back at me all at once. it hurts so much when i think of the things he's said to me these past few days and what i've said to him. but it hurts even more becuase i genuinely loved him and in the weakest moments, my thoughts go back to those months when i was just so happy all the time becuase i had him in my life, as a friend, as a confidant, as a lover. people used to say i had a glow on my face when i spoke about him. and not that i was a bunny-boiling wacko, but i could actually envision a long term relationship with the man. as i said, that first night when i felt the attraction towards him, he was the real deal. i had been willing to wait as long as it took and fight as hard as i needed to if it meant we could be together. i've been accused of many things lately, some of which have made me physically sick at the very mention of them. at the essence of it, he never really trusted me and i suppose i couldn't really blame him. i won't deny that i was a bit of a player at the time we met. i had had my eye on a few guys although none blew me away quite like he did. and from the moment i worked up the courage to tell him how i felt about him, i never once had thoughts about another guy. it was a no-commitment deal but in my heart, i was his and only his. i wanted things to work out so badly, i was willing to do almost anything for it. but i've learned its hard to run away from your past and convince someone that you really have changed, especially when you were a certain way before and then seemingly did a one-eighty. in fairness, RS hasn't been particularly easy to get to himself. he is a really lovely person when you get the chance to know him, he's funny and charming and sweet, and gorgeous to boot. but there were so many other factors that also came into play. he had his own flaws, as everyone does and i suppose i eventually gave up. i somehow always ended up feeling that i didn't quite match up to this expectation he seemed to have of me. while i felt like i was giving everything, it was not quite enough for him. worse still, i felt like i was up against his own internal demons half the time and that was a battle only he could overcome. it just didn't seem like it was meant to be. we fought a lot, being the passionate people that we are but it drains you completely and after awhile, there's only so much your psyche can take. he would claim that i caused him to mess up his grades this semester and while i disagree, i can't deny that our fights probably took so much out of him too that he just couldn't manage it all. i doubt i'll ever speak to him, at least not for a long while yet. i just wish things didn't have to end this way. there is still so much miscommunication and hurt, i wish we could have uderstood each other better. there is a silver lining to all of this. for starters, i've learned a lot about myself and what i want in life. i got a tiny taste of what it must feel like to be just blissfully in love with someone, knowing they love you too. and i've learned that some things are just not meant to be and sometimes love isn't enough. we had amazing chemistry, but not enough trust and understanding. and i'm almost glad it ended now rather than at a later date when things could have been a lot worse. i miss him like crazy. more often than not i just want to pick up the phone and apologise and beg for his forgiveness. but he's right, i wasn't entirely being myself anymore becuase i was too scared to mess up, and that inadvertantly led to me messing up even more. i found myself changing to be someone he would like more and i even though i knew it wasn't right, i was doing it anyways. it came back to bite me in the ass, just as i knew it would. hopefully, things can only get better from here. in time he will heal, as will i. i hope he finds peace and happiness, he deserves it. and so do i. it'll take me some time to get over this and to be strong again but i know i can get there eventually. i've surrounded myself with people who really care about me and are helping me through. i'll always think of RS fondly even though i know now, without a doubt, that nothing further can come of this. i doubt he'll ever forgive me for hurting him and i suppose i'll just have to learn to live with that. 12:22 a.m. - July 05, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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