faz-in-a-box's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Naked I can't study. So I’m bishan, trying to drown my sorrows in my cup of tea, lol. Such a granny but then, everything feels better after a nice cup o' tea. I’m sitting here, trying to figure out how things went so wrong and why I’m hurting so much. It doesn't make sense, especially as it was just a silly little crush. I never wanted it to go anywhere. Ok, that’s a lie. In my wildest fantasies, I had hoped he would feel the same. But we live in reality and so I knew better than to hold my breath and wish for the impossible. I put down all our conversations to just banter, assuming he was like that with everyone. All the things we said we just words and he certainly wasn't thinking that way so neither should I. As it turns out, he claims he did feel the same. And in classic Faz-stylee, I’ve messed it up. But that’s who I am. I am promiscuous by nature. I like people easily because I know they’re all harmless little crushes. Zoukboy made going to class something to look forward to, because really, Prof. Crown wasn’t exactly inspiring any great love for land law for me. But Zoukboy will never know this and I will never tell him. Similarly, the Beer Seller was just a drunken exchange gone too far but we still traded numbers, figuring it’d be fun to get to know another person. I’ve not seen him since the coffee because we’ve just been too busy, not because I’ve decided that I don’t like him anymore. During said coffee, he point blank said to me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and was merely interested in having a bit of fun. I knew from that moment on that nothing else was going to happen and I hoped we could remain friends. But yeah, to me, everyone is a potential. I always leave the possibility open until I know the person well enough to say with certainty that we’ll just be friends. Lol, not to point at excuses, but even my horoscope says that I like people easily. However, when I fall in love, I fall hard. I guess the joke’s on me now huh? But you live and learn. I’ve learned to respect the one that you love. We have incompatible lifestyles. I never intended to hide it from him but I suppose I could have showed it to him in a better way. But I know he had to know. I’ve never let my walls down like that before and even though the result was that he didn’t like the real me, I’m glad that it was because he knew the truth and didn’t like the real me, not the superficial version that I show most people. The song below has been playing in my head since this morning and I can’t help but feel how aptly the words describe how I feel… “Naked” by Avril Lavign I wake up in the morning, put on my face But then you came around me the walls just disappeared Because I've never felt like this before I'm trying to remember why I was afraid I never felt like this before I'm naked
To RS: this is me. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough and I’m even sorrier if I led you on or gave you any false impressions of me. You questioned the credibility of my feelings towards you and I can’t blame you. I suppose I would have questioned it too if I were in your shoes. I wasn’t playing around when I said I loved you. I’ve never had the guts to say that to anyone else in my life who I’ve felt really strongly about. I’ve always been too afraid that they’ll use it against me or think that I’m weak. And in all honesty, I only told you because I was convinced you didn’t feel the same way and I wanted to hear you say it so that I could force myself to get over the feelings. I’m not perfect and you saw right through my insecurities that day at the bus stop. I know I didn’t do things the right way and if I could, I would have done things differently. But I can’t change my past and I stand by everything I did and said. I can’t ask you to be my friend or to believe me but I hope someday you’ll be able to forgive me for hurting you. 3:33 p.m. - April 20, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||